Sunday, January 20, 2013

One foot in front of the other...

Sunset on Cavendish Beach, Prince Edward Island

As you can see, I'm revisiting my Prince Edward Island picture from this pas Spring. My two vacations this Spring and Summer were the high point of the last year for me, but while my time with my family in July was lovely, I think i liked my time in Prince Edward Island even better. It really is, I think, my favorite place in the world (not that I can claim to have see very much of it!). It is so peaceful there, so beautiful. The air is so clean and the ocean is always nearby. People are so friendly and helpful and life moves along at a much more laid back pace. Even though I am a city girl and always have been, I think I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I could move to Prince Edward Island and be perfectly happy there. 

Thinking of going back to Prince Edward Island this Spring or Summer is one of the things that is keeping me going right now. My father just keeps getting worse and the only way I can deal with that right now is to do my best to keep busy and when I'm not busy, to try and think of pleasant things. I think about my Sweetheart, I fall asleep at night imagining his arms around me, I think of where I would like to go for my vacations this year, I think about how much fun I'm going to have at my birthday party in a month, anything at all that will keep my mind from veering off into worrying about my father. It will do me no good to constantly worry about him or to think about the probable outcome of his situation as there is really nothing I can do to help him unless, as I have said before, he decides to help himself. Sometimes I think my friends find it odd that I can talk to them about my father with a straight face. I can spill out the entire story of what has happened to him in the past year and what my family and I have been through because of it and not shed a tear. It's a front I put up for when I'm in front of others. I've become very good at numbing myself. The only problem is that sometimes I stay numb for quite a while and then people ask me if I'm okay when I'm not as chatty or cheerful as I used to be. If it's one of my good friends, I can just look at them and they're like 'Right, dumb question! Wanna go for a chocolate fix? Or sushi?'. Some days though I'm astonished at how normal I feel and then I feel bad for feeling normal. It's all very confusing. 

The bottom line is that all I can do is try to cope as best I can. I cook, I go running, I go to choir practice, I go out by myself or with friends, I try to do little things for myself. I call my father and then sometimes have a good cry and I go up to work and thank my lucky stars that I have my job to keep me busy eight hours a day five days a week and I dream of a day when things will get better.

The moon above Cavendish Beach (click to enlarge and see it more clearly on the upper right)

2 comments:

  1. Karine, I think you sound 'perfectly normal' to me. I deal with things the same way as you, and I also have my moments. But you are not letting your Father's illness become part of who YOU are--I admire you for that, and don't for a moment feel guilty about it because I know it's a hard thing to do!

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  2. Karine, I second what Kim says, you are doing what you can to survive all of this and that's all you can do. Sending {{{HUGS}}} your way,

    Gill

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